Mommy Anthropology

I'm currently reading a chick-lit novel about two women who swap lives for a month. A single career-minded Londoner longs to settle down with the man of her dreams, so as a social experiment she trades places with an American woman who appears to have the perfect life: an enormous home in Connecticut, a handsome husband with an impressive Wall Street job, and two beautiful children who adore her. What the single girl cannot understand, however, is the impetus behind the married woman's desire to temporarily "escape" from her utopian life. The married mother-of-two explains herself as such: She loves her husband and cherishes her children. She wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But she's lost sight of who she once was, before the roles of wife and mother took over her identity.

This isn't going to be an account of how I can relate to the character of the married woman. Pretty much any woman who has given up a career to raise her children can relate. That's old news. What I find most interesting in the book are the descriptions of upper-middle-class suburban Mommyhood, especially as it pertains to the politics of the playground and the "cliques" that form when certain mothers put their own insecure needs ahead of their children's best interests. I've witnessed this phenomenon many times myself.

When you become a stay-at-home Mom, you are no longer judged by your academic degrees, your career achievements, or even your pre-baby life experiences. People no longer want to know where you went to college, but rather where you purchased your baby's layette. The whole transition can leave you feeling just a tad lost. The same women who judged you unfairly in school have not changed -- they just have children now. Mommyhood can be a ridiculously competitive environment. Not only do you have to think about your child's needs, but you have to consider how your efforts to meet those needs will be viewed by the other Mommies. Sure, sure, all you strong women out there are probably thinking: "Not me! I'm never going to get sucked into that catty game. I don't care what other people think." And you might not. But it's hard to not feel self-conscious when other Mommies are interrogating you about the classes for which you've signed up your 20-month-old.

There will always be people in your life -- Mommies and otherwise -- who take pleasure in your pain and who delight in feeling superior to you. The best defense against these insecure wretches is to keep your head held high, and have confidence in your ability to be a wonderful mother. Don't let other people second-guess your decisions. No matter what decisions you make, the naysayers will always rear their ugly heads. What really matters is this: Do you have at least one other Mommy friend who thinks the competition game is childish and stupid? I've been lucky enough to have been blessed with a handful of women who seem to view motherhood -- especially stay-at-home motherhood -- just like I do. While we may fall victim to our own insecurities on occasion, we know that our self-worth is made up of a lot more than a prestigious pre-school or designer baby clothes. We judge other mothers on their capacity to love, not compete.